It's the everyday things

 Tonight was hard.

I miss my mom so much. 

The house is so quiet without her. I miss having the person I told my entire day to. I miss hearing the YouTube channel about the monkeys from India playing in the background. It hurts to look through her Netflix profile and look at where she left off on shows. It hurts to see new seasons or movies come out thinking she would've liked to watch those things. 

Sometimes it feels like maybe she's still in the hospital and I'll get a call that there was a misunderstanding and she's all better now and I have to pick her up. Sometimes I think I'll just have to catch her up to everything new that she missed. 

I just wish I could still talk to her. 

It'll be a month in one week. Driving back home and not having any calls from her is still the hardest thing. Walking through the door and seeing her spot on the living room couch empty feels like losing her all over again each day. 

in dreams

I just had this dream where my mom was still alive. At first the dream was about me having an argument with some family members and my mom was defending me. But then it turned into me going up to my mom and crying, telling her I was scared of my dad dying as well because then I'd be all alone. And I told her I was also scared of not having any more children because I was afraid of Sophia being all alone when I pass away one day. And my mom was hugging me and comforting me. 

It actually felt really nice at first to have seen her and heard her voice. 

But I'm also sad. I miss my mom so much.