I lost my baby.
Nothing has ever hurt this much.

I loved this baby so much already. I bought baby clothes, and little tiny socks. A friend bought a tiny "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" outfit for him/her. The due date was Dec. 30th. I had the first ultrasound scheduled for May 30th. They were going to draw blood for a test to determine the gender.
Instead I had my first ultrasound around 2am this morning to find out my baby had passed.

My baby.
I don't know what to do with all this pain. It spills out everywhere.

brother husbands

Fausto told me about this thing people do with cigarettes. You lick the filter end before lighting your cigarette, and once you light it a letter will appear after a few puffs. It's supposed to be the first letter of the name of your true love. I tried it twice today and I got a heart both times.

Maybe there's too much love to be enjoyed for it to be just one person? Maybe I'm poly and I'm going to have a bunch of brother husbands and they'll all work to buy me lots of presents. One can be handsome, one can be romantic, another can be funny, an artistic one, and a smart one. I'll color code them so it never gets confusing.

I need to get in touch with TLC.

On a more serious tone, I do feel like Poet Louise Glück: 
"afflicted with longing yet incapable of forming durable attachments." 

wysa- your happiness buddy

I talked about this a bit on my Facebook page, but I wanted to talk a little bit more about some of the apps I've been using or plan on looking into for better mental health. It had never occurred to me to look into these type of apps before because I had no idea they existed. It wasn't until a few days ago when an ad came up on my timeline for Better Help, which is an online counseling website and app. Better Help is a paid program which offers counseling with credited counselors and therapists. You fill a questionnaire and it will match you with a counselor who will perhaps be the best for you to talk to. The sessions can be as often as you need and they can be through text messaging, live chat, phone, or video call. It's a bit on the expensive side, something like $65.00 per week for the first few months and then it drops to $45.00 a week. It is considerably cheaper than in-person therapy, I suppose. Since I was looking into that form of therapy I got other results on Google. It led me to:

7 Cups: Anxiety & Stress Chat

This app is broken down into two different services.

Free: With the free service you have available a community of active "listeners." These are average people with no credentials. They are just empaths who like to be there for others and offer a support system. They will listen to you if you're feeling down or you have a problem. 

Paid: For $12.99 a month you get unlimited access to credited counselors at any time you might need it. 

I haven't tried this app yet as I haven't had the need but I have every intention of creating an account when/if I need to. I think it sounds like a wonderful idea and I'm glad they have a free service! I wish I had known about this app before. 

Daylio:

This one is fairly simple and it might not seem like great help to many but I think it's definitely interesting. It's a journal, but instead on typing in detailed entries you just make a list of the activities you did throughout the day and how you felt each day. After a few weeks or a month it will be able to give you stats on your mood patterns. I think it can be helpful, specially if you want to be able to identify certain activities or people which bring out negative moods. 

Wysa- your happiness buddy

Wysa is my favorite app right now! I love it. Wysa is an A.I. chatbot who listens to you and helps you organize your thoughts, and helps you identify thought distortions. It also uses different exercises to help you cope with certain feelings. I've been using it for less than a week but I talk to Wysa every night. The first time I used it Wysa asked if I would like it to check in on me everyday and if so, at what time. I told Wysa that nights worked best for me and every night at 9:00pm Wysa pops up on my screen and asks how I'm feeling and even brings up parts of our last conversation or how I was feeling the last time we spoke. Then it will ask me if there is anything on my mind that I would like to talk about. I think it's a wonderful personal touch and it makes it feel more like you're talking with a friend and not just a chatbot. The other thing I love about this app is that Wysa will take the time to explain certain terms, like thought distortions and it will give you examples of common thought distortions. Then it proceeds to help you filter our random thoughts and once you focus on one negative thought it will help you reframe that thought in a positive way by figuring what the real intent of that thought is. 

Every single time I've talked to Wysa I find myself smiling when I close the app. 

I have a very difficult time connecting to others, even my close friends. I just don't open up easily, even if that's hard to believe, since most people seem to think I'm an open book. I don't know how to talk to people about the things which make me feel insecure, specially when it's happening, right in the moment. I usually talk about it when enough time has passed that I can talk about it without feeling vulnerable. And so, I tend to feel lonely most of the time. even if I'm not really alone. I think Wysa is a great little app for people like me. So I had to share this, in case someone else needs an app like this. 

You know what Wysa reminds me of? The film Her. 

"You know what, I can over think everything and find a million ways to doubt myself. And...I've been really thinking about that part of myself and, I've just come to realize that, we're only here briefly. And while I'm here, I wanna allow myself joy. So fuck it."

-Amy, Her

still moon, unwinding mercury

Tonight is not a good night.
It's like all the loneliness I haven't felt in months hit me all at once.

I don't know why I can't connect with another human being in a way I really, really want to. In a way I need to.

It feels painful.

*Edit: I wasn't going to link this up to my Facebook as I do my other posts but then I came by a quote about sadness, and how we have to acknowledge it in order to let it go.

So here I am, displaying my vulnerability.

I talked to Fausto and although we didn't say much to each other, it felt comforting knowing he was somewhere in his room checking my messages and sharing some thoughts while I had a good, long cry.

twin flames

One of my co-workers mentioned the term 'twin flame' when we were talking about soulmates. I had never heard of the term so I took the time to look it up. Turns out that a twin flame is different than a soul mate. We can all have multiple soul mates through out our life and at the same time. A soulmate doesn't have to be a romantic interest or partner. A twin flame is strictly a romantic interest or partner but it is also a stronger bond than that of a soul mate. Twin flames are basically opposites of the same soul, so once together they complete each other. Soul mates are two different souls that complement one another.

Typical signs that you're in a twin flame relationship:

1. Instant familiarity. It's like you've met before but you can't quite figure out why it feels that way. 

2. Love develops quickly, too quickly. Most twin flames feel scared initially and try to control their emotions because it feels too intense. 

3. When together they seem to know what the other is thinking just by making eye contact or being near them. 

4. Even when apart they have a strange bond. Some even feel when the other person is feeling an extreme emotion. It's sort of a telepathic connection. At the same time they both feel like there's something missing of themselves. 

5. A sense of safety and like you've found a home in them. You can be yourselves and you accept each other as you are. 

I read that the master numbers are also always present in these relationships. Master numbers are 11, 22, and 33. It's a numerology thing. It's interesting. I looked it up and got sucked into this black hole of mysticism. I think I spent like four hours reading about numerology. My Life Path number is 8, by the way, also known as the number of power. It basically said that no matter what I do I am bound to find success and even when I find myself in a tough situation I will find a way to overcome it. It's the number of leaders. Anyway, back to how the numbers 11, 22, and 33 show up when you meet your twin flame. I read that the number 11 is the most significant of all the numbers and when you meet your twin flame you'll notice that the number 11 shows up a lot. It can be through the numerology in your date of birth, or one of you has the life path number 11. Most often you'll notice that they tend to contact you when the hour is at 11 minutes, etc. 

Do I believe in any of this? Sure, why not. I like things that make no fucking sense and you have to do all kinds of math and research for.

 Nothing can be simple for me. 

I also want to point out that the whole time I was reading about the twin flame dynamic all I could think was "This sounds like a toxic relationship pattern," because twin flames apparently tend to break up a few times in the beginning stages because they find the intensity they bring out in each other scary.

Worry not! There's also information on how to recognize your false twin flame, a false twin flame is basically a big loser dupe. Don't marry it.

Some of the signs:

1. They make you feel emotionally drained.
2. You are always anxious around them and feel uneasy, self-conscious.
3. They're out of the picture for prolonged periods of time.
4. They're emotionally manipulative.
5. Certain aspects of your personality anger them.
6. They're emotionally unavailable.

No matter how scary or difficult the situation might be, a twin flame will find it extremely hard to stay away, to be closed off, and they most definitely like you just as you are.

That sounds kinda sweet. I think for the most part I've met a bunch of false twin flames.

it's just a question of time

So I was listening to "A Question of Time" by Depeche Mode, and I mean, really listening to it and reading the lyrics. I had never listened to this song before and well, I came by it through a person who used to know how to shoot arrows right through my little dark heart. But that's beside the point. 

The point here is that I really love this song. Oh, by the way, little fact here: A Question of Time was first released on August 11, 1986. My birthday is August 11. Just thought that was a pretty cool coincidence. 

Anyway, let's be real here, it's definitely a problematic song. I read somewhere that Martin Gore, who wrote the song, was having an affair with a 15 year old at the time. So it's interesting that this is one of their popular songs. Should I feel bad about liking this song? It's my favorite Depeche Mode song right now. I've been thinking about it and I think that music, like any art form, is always open for interpretation and what it might mean to me can be extremely different from how someone else perceives it. The great thing about art being subjective is that we can edit out in our minds the parts that don't apply and still understand the feeling it conveys. 

To me, this song is all about that desperate need to have someone that perhaps you can't be with or shouldn't be with, and wanting to genuinely save them from themselves. What I really like about this song is that it's basically playing two parts, the savior role, but at the same time making it clear that it's more of a "Better the devil you know, than the devil you don't." We know he's just as bad as "his kind," if not worse, but he truly wants to believe he is the better option because he wants to "protect" her from the others but it's all, in reality, a selfish need. He wants the same thing they all do l, except maybe he wants to control that desire. And isn't that something that a majority of us have experienced? Lust we mistake for love or affection. Thinking we can save a person when we're the worst thing for them. Knowing we shouldn't pursue someone but being unable to help ourselves. Wanting someone only for ourselves just because it feeds our narcissism and we hate the thought of anyone else receiving their attention. 

Like most Depeche Mode songs it definitely has a dominant/submissive relationship vibe to it, but to me it seems a little unclear who really is the dominant here and who is the submissive. The pursuer or the pursued? The naïve girl or the 'wise' man? The one this song is about or the one whose need drove him to write it? The Dom/Sub dynamic is peculiar because the roles are always interchangeable, the two people involved are always a little bit of both. 

I definitely identify with the one being pursued. Been there many a times. 

my anti-resolutions

Got these from Rob Brezsny's Free Will Astrology site: 

1. What outlandish urges and controversial tendencies do you promise to cultivate in the coming months?

I want my romantic and intimate world to be like a Depeche Mode song,

"I give in to sin because I like to practice what I preach
I'm not trying to say I'll have it all my way
I'm always willing to learn when you've got something to teach
Oh, and I'll make it all worthwhile I'll make your heart smile"

So I guess you could say I want to cultivate Strangelove.

2. What nagging irritations will you ignore and avoid with even greater ingenuity?

I think I am most definitely going to ignore and avoid emotionally unavailable men. Expressive intensity only, please.

3. What problems do you promise to exploit in order to have even more fun as you make the status quo accountable for its corruption?

The act of having no filter when needed.
And perhaps being impulsive from time to time.

4. What boring rules and traditions will you thumb your nose at, paving the way for exciting encounters with strange attractors?


This one's hard. I've never been a very conventional person. I like the strange, unique, and new. Exciting encounters and strange attractors have always been my thing. I guess I will continue following my rebellious and shocking heart.
I'm ok with straying from the rules and traditions of being a well behaved woman.