I'm with her: aileen wuornos

 There's a new docu-series on Netflix titled Catching Killers and there's an episode on Aileen Wuornos. To this day it pisses me off whenever I watch the sentencing. She was sentenced to six death sentences. Now, don't get me wrong, she was a murderer and under no circumstances is premeditated murder ok. There has to be consequences for the crime, that I agree with. The part that upsets me every time is that Aileen was a victim throughout her life as well and no one advocated for her. There was no justice in her name as a child, the justice system failed her from a very young age. And once society creates this bitter, angry, and vengeful monster they point the finger at just her? I just think it's double sided. I think consecutive life sentences was the proper sentencing in this case. She was a broken individual and wasn't sane anymore. 

paris is always a good idea

 Just finished watching Sabrina, the 1995 remake with Julia Ormond and Harrison Ford. I've never watched the original with Humphrey Bogart and Audrey Hepburn, I imagine it's much more romantic. But then again, I've never been much of an Audrey Hepburn type. 

The 1995 film is alright, not a big deal or anything. I can tolerate Harrison Ford in it, and that's saying a lot, I hate Harrison Ford. The character he plays is pretty much what I picture him to be like in real life... "He is the world's only living heart donor... he thinks morals are paintings on walls and scruples are money in Russia." Oddly enough he is also the kind of person I always imagined I'd end up with. The bitter man who is so focused on money and work and then he meets me, the unearthly creature who bewilders him and holds him in awe. 

I love the heavy focus on France and romanticism. The romantic girl who views the world with rose colored glasses as she sits in a Cafe and writes in her stupid journal, who believes that after truly living and experiencing life that she has a deeper understanding of the world and herself but she's stupider than ever. 

And men are still liars but then they say something like... "I need her, and I don't need anything." And somehow, that one statement is true.

I suppose that's how I always wanted the love story of my life to be. I suppose deep down I still want it to be like that. 

too hot, too greedy

i love him in all the desperate forms,

like showing up when he doesn't want to see me, like trying to stop him from leaving and pleading with him while he demands I stay away

i love him in the war,

 when throwing things and during screaming matches, when we tell each other all those awful things

i love him in those dirty ways, 

when his mouth and hands claim me, and in all the secret things we say

i love him  playfully, 

my best friend with all the inside jokes 

i love him loudly 

i love him quietly

i'm not gigi anymore

A few years ago I posted a blog entry titled "I don't want to be Gigi anymore," or something along that line. I was referring to Gigi from He's Just Not That Into You. She's the narrator, and well, she's a hopeless romantic, an optimist, and somewhat naive. She reads into everything men do and say and makes something out of nothing because she desperately wants to meet "the one." I remember wanting to be "the exception" for some guy. I wanted to be the reason some emotionally detached man learns how to love and changes himself to be a better man.
I just watched the movie again after a few years and I just don't connect to Gigi anymore. It's interesting how things change with time.

I feel more like an Alex these days.
"If a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a shit, he genuinely doesn't give a shit. No exceptions."

crushes

Crushes are strange, one day you're completely normal just minding your own business, and the next: they just suddenly appear there, always in the back of your mind. They're a super unique person, and you want to know what it's like to kiss them, and you want to hang out with them all the time. I hate that the most. Wanting to be around someone more often.

Crushes are just inconvenient.
Luckily for me, all my crushes have a short life span.

find something you're passionate about

and keep tremendously interested in it.

I was watching Julie & Julia the other night. One of my inspirations is Julia Child. Of course I admire everything she accomplished, but what I admire most is her boisterous personality, and her relationship with her husband, Paul Child, is the kind of relationship I hope to have someday.
The fact that Julie Powell found the motivation to go through 524 recipes in one year AND write about it each day is also inspiring. Watching Julie & Julia always makes me think I could also master the art of french cooking, but let's be real, I still can't pronounce 'beef bourguignon,' nor do I have the most minimal intention of ever boning a duck or murdering and dismembering a crustacean . The only thing I have in common with Julie is that I like to blog. I haven't been writing much this year but you know, as I watched the movie I decided that I was going to give myself a goal, to just write everyday. No matter how small an entry, no matter how pointless an entry it could be. The point is to keep the habit going.

On second thought, Julia Child was 32 when she started cooking, so who knows, maybe next year will be my year.

where my love grows

I've found that I expend much more energy
pretending I don't long for certain things.
Like the way I used to pull words from my chest. I'd imagine the words dropping like petals off some flower in me, the "loves me, loves me not" in my mind. In the end it's never been about whether I am loved or not, it's the anticipation of the answer that matters. It's where my love grows. I could even make love out of the disillusionment when the answer was "not."

It has been much more draining not being able to express the things that hurt, the things I miss, and the things I yearn for, and I'm not even sure how I came to be this quiet.
But I hope this is the first step in finding the words.