twin flames

One of my co-workers mentioned the term 'twin flame' when we were talking about soulmates. I had never heard of the term so I took the time to look it up. Turns out that a twin flame is different than a soul mate. We can all have multiple soul mates through out our life and at the same time. A soulmate doesn't have to be a romantic interest or partner. A twin flame is strictly a romantic interest or partner but it is also a stronger bond than that of a soul mate. Twin flames are basically opposites of the same soul, so once together they complete each other. Soul mates are two different souls that complement one another.

Typical signs that you're in a twin flame relationship:

1. Instant familiarity. It's like you've met before but you can't quite figure out why it feels that way. 

2. Love develops quickly, too quickly. Most twin flames feel scared initially and try to control their emotions because it feels too intense. 

3. When together they seem to know what the other is thinking just by making eye contact or being near them. 

4. Even when apart they have a strange bond. Some even feel when the other person is feeling an extreme emotion. It's sort of a telepathic connection. At the same time they both feel like there's something missing of themselves. 

5. A sense of safety and like you've found a home in them. You can be yourselves and you accept each other as you are. 

I read that the master numbers are also always present in these relationships. Master numbers are 11, 22, and 33. It's a numerology thing. It's interesting. I looked it up and got sucked into this black hole of mysticism. I think I spent like four hours reading about numerology. My Life Path number is 8, by the way, also known as the number of power. It basically said that no matter what I do I am bound to find success and even when I find myself in a tough situation I will find a way to overcome it. It's the number of leaders. Anyway, back to how the numbers 11, 22, and 33 show up when you meet your twin flame. I read that the number 11 is the most significant of all the numbers and when you meet your twin flame you'll notice that the number 11 shows up a lot. It can be through the numerology in your date of birth, or one of you has the life path number 11. Most often you'll notice that they tend to contact you when the hour is at 11 minutes, etc. 

Do I believe in any of this? Sure, why not. I like things that make no fucking sense and you have to do all kinds of math and research for.

 Nothing can be simple for me. 

I also want to point out that the whole time I was reading about the twin flame dynamic all I could think was "This sounds like a toxic relationship pattern," because twin flames apparently tend to break up a few times in the beginning stages because they find the intensity they bring out in each other scary.

Worry not! There's also information on how to recognize your false twin flame, a false twin flame is basically a big loser dupe. Don't marry it.

Some of the signs:

1. They make you feel emotionally drained.
2. You are always anxious around them and feel uneasy, self-conscious.
3. They're out of the picture for prolonged periods of time.
4. They're emotionally manipulative.
5. Certain aspects of your personality anger them.
6. They're emotionally unavailable.

No matter how scary or difficult the situation might be, a twin flame will find it extremely hard to stay away, to be closed off, and they most definitely like you just as you are.

That sounds kinda sweet. I think for the most part I've met a bunch of false twin flames.

it's just a question of time

So I was listening to "A Question of Time" by Depeche Mode, and I mean, really listening to it and reading the lyrics. I had never listened to this song before and well, I came by it through a person who used to know how to shoot arrows right through my little dark heart. But that's beside the point. 

The point here is that I really love this song. Oh, by the way, little fact here: A Question of Time was first released on August 11, 1986. My birthday is August 11. Just thought that was a pretty cool coincidence. 

Anyway, let's be real here, it's definitely a problematic song. I read somewhere that Martin Gore, who wrote the song, was having an affair with a 15 year old at the time. So it's interesting that this is one of their popular songs. Should I feel bad about liking this song? It's my favorite Depeche Mode song right now. I've been thinking about it and I think that music, like any art form, is always open for interpretation and what it might mean to me can be extremely different from how someone else perceives it. The great thing about art being subjective is that we can edit out in our minds the parts that don't apply and still understand the feeling it conveys. 

To me, this song is all about that desperate need to have someone that perhaps you can't be with or shouldn't be with, and wanting to genuinely save them from themselves. What I really like about this song is that it's basically playing two parts, the savior role, but at the same time making it clear that it's more of a "Better the devil you know, than the devil you don't." We know he's just as bad as "his kind," if not worse, but he truly wants to believe he is the better option because he wants to "protect" her from the others but it's all, in reality, a selfish need. He wants the same thing they all do l, except maybe he wants to control that desire. And isn't that something that a majority of us have experienced? Lust we mistake for love or affection. Thinking we can save a person when we're the worst thing for them. Knowing we shouldn't pursue someone but being unable to help ourselves. Wanting someone only for ourselves just because it feeds our narcissism and we hate the thought of anyone else receiving their attention. 

Like most Depeche Mode songs it definitely has a dominant/submissive relationship vibe to it, but to me it seems a little unclear who really is the dominant here and who is the submissive. The pursuer or the pursued? The naïve girl or the 'wise' man? The one this song is about or the one whose need drove him to write it? The Dom/Sub dynamic is peculiar because the roles are always interchangeable, the two people involved are always a little bit of both. 

I definitely identify with the one being pursued. Been there many a times. 

my anti-resolutions

Got these from Rob Brezsny's Free Will Astrology site: 

1. What outlandish urges and controversial tendencies do you promise to cultivate in the coming months?

I want my romantic and intimate world to be like a Depeche Mode song,

"I give in to sin because I like to practice what I preach
I'm not trying to say I'll have it all my way
I'm always willing to learn when you've got something to teach
Oh, and I'll make it all worthwhile I'll make your heart smile"

So I guess you could say I want to cultivate Strangelove.

2. What nagging irritations will you ignore and avoid with even greater ingenuity?

I think I am most definitely going to ignore and avoid emotionally unavailable men. Expressive intensity only, please.

3. What problems do you promise to exploit in order to have even more fun as you make the status quo accountable for its corruption?

The act of having no filter when needed.
And perhaps being impulsive from time to time.

4. What boring rules and traditions will you thumb your nose at, paving the way for exciting encounters with strange attractors?


This one's hard. I've never been a very conventional person. I like the strange, unique, and new. Exciting encounters and strange attractors have always been my thing. I guess I will continue following my rebellious and shocking heart.
I'm ok with straying from the rules and traditions of being a well behaved woman. 

there's one that holds the light

I honestly can't stop crying.

I came across an article about suicide and as I was reading through the comments I read one from a man who said his wife committed suicide less than two weeks ago. His thoughts on the subject are that as painful as it is to lose your loved ones to suicide, that we should never feel anger or shame the person for deciding to end their lives. We are not given a choice on whether we want to be brought into this world. It just happens and we get what we get. And if someone finds living to be a burden, if existing causes them pain, then who are we to chain them to this world and force them to live a life they no longer want a part of?

I decided to go on his profile page and it was so heartbreaking. He has been very open about his mourning process.
He and his wife had a wonderful relationship, and two small boys. Earlier in the year he had gone through some rough days and he'd been feeling pretty low so she hung paper hearts from the living room and kitchen ceiling to remind him that he is loved. They always made little handmade gifts for each other and wrote love letters to one another.
One night she woke up from a nightmare she had in which he had left her so she wrote him a letter while he slept. And as he said, now he is the one living that nightmare and there's no waking up from it, and all he can do is write and write about all the love he has for her, and all the pain he feels.

This was a post she made on December 1st:

She committed suicide on December 11th:

My heart aches for this family. My heart aches for all the people who feel this overwhelming sadness and loneliness. My heart aches for the loved ones they leave behind.

I didn't know her but I know how dark it gets inside. And it's so painful, it takes everything in you, from you, to try and believe that there is hope and light still left in you.
When Sophia was a baby I remember going through some of my worst days, and I'd sit on the floor in front of her crib to watch her sleep, and I'd cry for hours, and I would pray over and over, 'Please make this feeling go away. I don't want to hurt anymore. Please give me the strength to make it through one more day.'
And then I'd ask for forgiveness because I felt so guilty. I thought I was the worst parent in the world because I shouldn't be so depressed and lonely when I had the most wonderful human being in front of me.
Those months the only thing that kept me going was the fear of what would happen to Sophia if I wasn't strong enough, if I left.
The only person I've ever talked to about this is Clair. One night I told her that Sophia saved my life. She's my whole world and I'd do anything for her.
But it took me years to want to stay alive for me, because I thought I was a worthy human being.

I'm so grateful for all I have, for all the love I feel and receive, and I thank God because I'm finally in a good place emotionally. I wouldn't miss out on watching Sophia grow for anything. I wouldn't miss out on the rest of my life for anything.

Rest in peace, Brandy.
My heart goes out to your family.

mini poem

*From HitRecord

figure me out

all you need:

my favorite songs,

the moon tonight.

by: Margarita R. 

'cause we're all in this together

You know, I have been much happier in these past couple of months than I had been earlier in the year, but the empty feeling has remained. It's hard to describe... It's just that feeling like there's nothing special in me. At least, that had been the emotional atmosphere up until this week.
Maybe it's because it's the holiday season, and Sophia and I are big fans of everything Christmas from decorating the tree, making gingerbread houses, looking at Christmas lights and  watching parades, to dressing up in Christmas themes. Sophia is like the 6 year old version of Buddy the elf. She sings Christmas carols all day long everyday and looking at the Christmas tree makes her smile all the time. She's a pretty happy kid.
 But I'm finally starting to feel a little more like myself. Yesterday I called the Center for Family Solutions to sign up to sponsor a family who currently resides in their shelter. The holidays tends to be a difficult time for families who find themselves in these kind of situations, so the center offers a program in which anyone can sponsor a family or individual and you receive a list of the family members, their names, ages, a list of some of their favorite things and a wishlist.
My family is a family of a single mother(my age) and two boys(ages 7 and 4). My goal is to get everything on their wishlist.

The Center for Family Solutions and the WomanHaven have a special place in my heart.

When I was attending IVC and majoring in Social Science I was enrolled in a program offfered to single mothers. It was designed to help single mothers with college fees, book vouchers, transportation, and child care. There was a meeting we all had to attend at the beginning of the semester and the guest speaker was the manager of the center at the time. He told us why he was so passionate about helping women and children who are or have been victims of domestic violence.
He grew up with an abusive father, and much of that abuse was directed towards his mother. After years of abuse his mother finally left his father and she began to provide for herself and her children. He had several younger siblings. She began attending college and majored in Social Science, she wanted to be a social worker and help women like herself. But eventually his father came back into the picture and swore he was a changed man. And as it usually happens, the change didn't last for long. One day he came back home and as he walked in he heard screaming and crying coming from his parents bedroom and all his siblings were huddled together, scared and crying, on the living room sofa. He ran into the bedroom and his mother ran to him, handed him his baby brother and told him to RUN. He did as he was told, he and his siblings ran to the neighbors house and asked them to call 911. But by the time the cops arrived his mom was already dead. His father stabbed her to death.

He then read us one of the most gut wrenching poems I've ever heard. He wrote it himself, for his mother.

Because of his personal experience with domestic violence and because his mother never got the chance to fulfill her goal of helping women overcome abusive relationships, it became important to him to help women like his mother, and children like himself and his siblings.

About a year later I found myself on welfare and in order to receive cash aid I had to do volunteer work 24 hours a week. I chose the WomanHaven thrift shop. All profits go into funding the center, their services and the shelter. Any women and children who arrive at the shelter without posessions are given a voucher to get clothes and shoes from the thrift shop. The children were also give. A voucher so they could pick out some toys. I volunteered during the holidays and it was close to Christmas time. I'm never going to forget this moment. It still tears my heart into pieces.
A young pregnant woman came in to the thrift store with her two children, a girl and a boy(around 3 and 5 years old), and they had a voucher. So I helped them look for clothes and shoes. The woman looked so sad and a little lost. But the kids were so excited because they could pick out toys and the little boy even said something about it being early Christmas presents. And you know, they're all used toys, some in better shape than others. But they don't care about those things. Children see the best in everything and they're genuinely happy human beings. Just happy to be alive, to experience things, to be with their loved ones. And I just remember thinking how unfair it is that some shitty grown person can do this to these little happy humans, hurt them or put them in situations where they have no home, none of their own things.

It was also a humbling experience. I had been so depressed because I felt like a loser. I couldn't provide for Sophia and I applied to many places each week and with no call backs. But I lived with my parents and they have always been so much help and we never had to go without the things we needed. And yet I threw myself a pity party regularly.
That day I realized how self-absorbed I can be, and I also realized that there is people in our own town who go through so much worse and need all help they can get just to survive.

And you know, I'm not saying that I'm a great person or anything. I'm selfish by nature and often forget to ask others how they're doing or if they need anything. But I am empathetic.
I try to help when I can and with what I can because I know what it's like to need help, and I've received it. And that's a comforting thought... to know that total strangers are willing to do what they can to help, to keep you safe, to make you smile. So I think it's one of those things you have to contribute to, into building a nurturing community.

Ever since I got the wishlist for my family I've talked about to all my friends. I asked one of my friends to use the money she was using for my gift and instead help me check things off the wishlist. And she's been sending me pictures of stuff she's finding. Another friend also decided he wanted to chip in to help me get some of the things.
And it makes my heart so full to know I have good friends, who are kind and they really want to help however they can.
There's an event for all the sponsors to meet with the families to give them their gifts, so I'm going to ask them to come with me.

questions for a leo

Clair sent me a link of personal questions that some people have about each sign. I can't confirm if anyone has ever asked themselves these questions about me but I like answering questions either way.

Why do other people’s opinions matter so much to you?

I can't say this applies to me anymore. Perhaps it could've been true up until early this year. Earlier in the year I went through a situation in which I heard different negative opinions about myself. They were posted publicly and I was also sent private messages loaded with judgement. After the incident I realized that people will see the truth that fits them and I can't do anything about it. At the end of the day I will always be able to count on the people who love me, and despite my flaws and wrong doings, forgive me. And since then I slowly shed any importance I gave to the opinions of outsiders and grew thicker skin. As Anthony Hopkins said, "What others think of me is none of my business." On the rare occassion that I do find out that someone has been saying negative things about me I might take it into consideration and use it to have myself a moment of introspection and an opportunity for growth. If I disagree with their opinions I usually reply, "They have all the right to their own opinions and feelings." I shrug it off and move on. There's also the rare occassion when I think the things which are said reveal the darkness in the person and I feel a little sad for them because usually that kind of behavior means they are extremely unhappy and bitter. Most often I wish them good things so that they have a happy enough life for them not to have any time to think of me. 

Why do you have to win every argument you get into?


I don't feel the need to win arguments. I tend to avoid arguments because I think them unnecessary but once someone refuses to allow a matter to settle peacefully then I engage with hard facts and not feelings. With observations, not suspicions. Most of all I try my best to remain calm, collected, and cold. It's very rare for me to get into arguments but on the rare occassion that I do get into one I don't strive to "win." I would much rather reach a middle ground and resolve the issue. 


Will you ever be able to fully show another person your flaws and insecurities and realize they still love you even if you’re not perfect?

I think I tell the world what my flaws are. As for my insecurities, no, there has only been one person who knew all my insecurities, fears, the things that hurt me, everything I hated, and everything I yearned for. And he turned out to be one of the biggest traumas in my life. I would find it very hard to trust someone that way again. 

Better explained in song form: 

I'm not exceptionally shy
But I've never had a man
That I could look straight in the eye
And tell my secret plans

The Perfect Fit, by The Dresden Dolls