crushes

Crushes are strange, one day you're completely normal just minding your own business, and the next: they just suddenly appear there, always in the back of your mind. They're a super unique person, and you want to know what it's like to kiss them, and you want to hang out with them all the time. I hate that the most. Wanting to be around someone more often.

Crushes are just inconvenient.
Luckily for me, all my crushes have a short life span.

find something you're passionate about

and keep tremendously interested in it.

I was watching Julie & Julia the other night. One of my inspirations is Julia Child. Of course I admire everything she accomplished, but what I admire most is her boisterous personality, and her relationship with her husband, Paul Child, is the kind of relationship I hope to have someday.
The fact that Julie Powell found the motivation to go through 524 recipes in one year AND write about it each day is also inspiring. Watching Julie & Julia always makes me think I could also master the art of french cooking, but let's be real, I still can't pronounce 'beef bourguignon,' nor do I have the most minimal intention of ever boning a duck or murdering and dismembering a crustacean . The only thing I have in common with Julie is that I like to blog. I haven't been writing much this year but you know, as I watched the movie I decided that I was going to give myself a goal, to just write everyday. No matter how small an entry, no matter how pointless an entry it could be. The point is to keep the habit going.

On second thought, Julia Child was 32 when she started cooking, so who knows, maybe next year will be my year.

where my love grows

I've found that I expend much more energy
pretending I don't long for certain things.
Like the way I used to pull words from my chest. I'd imagine the words dropping like petals off some flower in me, the "loves me, loves me not" in my mind. In the end it's never been about whether I am loved or not, it's the anticipation of the answer that matters. It's where my love grows. I could even make love out of the disillusionment when the answer was "not."

It has been much more draining not being able to express the things that hurt, the things I miss, and the things I yearn for, and I'm not even sure how I came to be this quiet.
But I hope this is the first step in finding the words.