questions for a leo

Clair sent me a link of personal questions that some people have about each sign. I can't confirm if anyone has ever asked themselves these questions about me but I like answering questions either way.

Why do other people’s opinions matter so much to you?

I can't say this applies to me anymore. Perhaps it could've been true up until early this year. Earlier in the year I went through a situation in which I heard different negative opinions about myself. They were posted publicly and I was also sent private messages loaded with judgement. After the incident I realized that people will see the truth that fits them and I can't do anything about it. At the end of the day I will always be able to count on the people who love me, and despite my flaws and wrong doings, forgive me. And since then I slowly shed any importance I gave to the opinions of outsiders and grew thicker skin. As Anthony Hopkins said, "What others think of me is none of my business." On the rare occassion that I do find out that someone has been saying negative things about me I might take it into consideration and use it to have myself a moment of introspection and an opportunity for growth. If I disagree with their opinions I usually reply, "They have all the right to their own opinions and feelings." I shrug it off and move on. There's also the rare occassion when I think the things which are said reveal the darkness in the person and I feel a little sad for them because usually that kind of behavior means they are extremely unhappy and bitter. Most often I wish them good things so that they have a happy enough life for them not to have any time to think of me. 

Why do you have to win every argument you get into?


I don't feel the need to win arguments. I tend to avoid arguments because I think them unnecessary but once someone refuses to allow a matter to settle peacefully then I engage with hard facts and not feelings. With observations, not suspicions. Most of all I try my best to remain calm, collected, and cold. It's very rare for me to get into arguments but on the rare occassion that I do get into one I don't strive to "win." I would much rather reach a middle ground and resolve the issue. 


Will you ever be able to fully show another person your flaws and insecurities and realize they still love you even if you’re not perfect?

I think I tell the world what my flaws are. As for my insecurities, no, there has only been one person who knew all my insecurities, fears, the things that hurt me, everything I hated, and everything I yearned for. And he turned out to be one of the biggest traumas in my life. I would find it very hard to trust someone that way again. 

Better explained in song form: 

I'm not exceptionally shy
But I've never had a man
That I could look straight in the eye
And tell my secret plans

The Perfect Fit, by The Dresden Dolls

needle in the hay

If you've known me for some time and you've paid attention, then you know by now that one of my favorite songs is Needle in the Hay by Elliott Smith. And so, I present to you a fresh start, a new home for my fragile, and at times turbulent feelings and thoughts: 6th & Powell, the block in my brain. 

Southeast 6th Avenue and Powell Boulevard are streets in Portland, home to Mr. Smith. The streets never really intersect. 6th Avenue is actually a short street with one end being a house and the other end the side of a parking lot. However, the pathway continues and you can walk until you reach Powell Boulevard. There's no crosswalk or corner, which could be the point in the song. Maybe it's to be interpreted as an obstacle, a dead end, wrong way, being lost, etc. Or perhaps he wanted to walk onto oncoming traffic? He was depressed and suicidal afterall. 

6th and Powell, a dead sweat in my teeth

Gonna walk, walk, walk

Four more blocks plus the one in my brain

In case anyone feels like listening to the song, I'm linking a scene from The Royal Tenenbaums:
(Note: It's Mordecai's suicide attempt, the scene isn't graphic or offensive but if you're sensitive to the subject you might find it triggering.)

I love Wes Anderson! And I think this is one of the best scenes he's written and shot. 

So why 6th & Powell? 
I hit the "permanently delete" button on The Imperfectionist blog some months ago. The memories in it weighed heavy on my heart and blocked my mind. I found it extremely difficult to log in and find inspiration to create anything new and it no longer felt like a place where I could safely and freely express myself. In all honesty, the events which transpired around my birthday are moments that changed my perspective on my surroundings. I've made many changes that have been for the better, and then I've also remained stuck in other aspects of myself. 6th & Powell is to me the mental block my anxiety creates, and what I tend to keep to myself. But I don't always see it as a sad and frustrating thing, in fact, sometimes I cultivate beautiful feelings and words, and lately I've been allowing it to inspire me instead of stopping me. However difficult and inconvinient, dead ends can turn into pathways. 

I always loved the way the names of the streets harmonized in the song. The world needed more Elliott Smith.