chugging along

I went back to work yesterday and it was rough. For the most part I was quiet but functional. But time is different right now. It's almost like being in a trance. Time moves slower and sometimes I'm gone from the moment. But I carry on with routine because the world won't stop just because I'm sad, so I chug along with it. 

After work I went to the store and bought stuff to make spaghetti because it was what my mom made to cheer me up, and then she made it for Sophia as well. Orion, Sophia and I cooked together while watching Disney films. Sophia was happy and told me she had a good night. And it was a good night. Slept better than I had these past days. 

I'm glad I have today off though. Sometimes I just want to stay cocooned in my personal space with my loved ones. Where I feel safer and I can cry whenever I feel like it.

in the cabbage patch

Nights are the hardest to get through when you miss someone. 

During the day it's easier to cope because there's distractions and loved ones who keep me company. There's even moments of genuine laughter and peace. But then night time comes around and thoughts and memories are the loudest thing. 

Ever since the paramedics took my mom to the hospital I kept replaying in my head this incident of when I was about 5 or 6 years old and I was at Walmart with my parents and I got distracted and walked off to look at the Cabbage Patch Kids. Once I turned around again I couldn't see my parents anymore, and I looked for them but couldn't find them. One of the employees noticed me and came over to help me find them and while we walked I felt so scared and worried. We only had to walk around the corner and my parents were right there looking for me.The whole moment was just about 2 mins or so but it felt eternal to me. It's my earliest recollection of feeling lost. 

And that's how I've felt these days. Like I'm that 5 year old child again and I'm desperately looking for my mom, except this time there is no turning a corner and finding her. 

I don't mean to be depressing or bombard your timelines with sad thoughts but I'm a communicator, and I share things, and grief is what I have right now.