It's the everyday things

 Tonight was hard.

I miss my mom so much. 

The house is so quiet without her. I miss having the person I told my entire day to. I miss hearing the YouTube channel about the monkeys from India playing in the background. It hurts to look through her Netflix profile and look at where she left off on shows. It hurts to see new seasons or movies come out thinking she would've liked to watch those things. 

Sometimes it feels like maybe she's still in the hospital and I'll get a call that there was a misunderstanding and she's all better now and I have to pick her up. Sometimes I think I'll just have to catch her up to everything new that she missed. 

I just wish I could still talk to her. 

It'll be a month in one week. Driving back home and not having any calls from her is still the hardest thing. Walking through the door and seeing her spot on the living room couch empty feels like losing her all over again each day. 

in dreams

I just had this dream where my mom was still alive. At first the dream was about me having an argument with some family members and my mom was defending me. But then it turned into me going up to my mom and crying, telling her I was scared of my dad dying as well because then I'd be all alone. And I told her I was also scared of not having any more children because I was afraid of Sophia being all alone when I pass away one day. And my mom was hugging me and comforting me. 

It actually felt really nice at first to have seen her and heard her voice. 

But I'm also sad. I miss my mom so much. 

chugging along

I went back to work yesterday and it was rough. For the most part I was quiet but functional. But time is different right now. It's almost like being in a trance. Time moves slower and sometimes I'm gone from the moment. But I carry on with routine because the world won't stop just because I'm sad, so I chug along with it. 

After work I went to the store and bought stuff to make spaghetti because it was what my mom made to cheer me up, and then she made it for Sophia as well. Orion, Sophia and I cooked together while watching Disney films. Sophia was happy and told me she had a good night. And it was a good night. Slept better than I had these past days. 

I'm glad I have today off though. Sometimes I just want to stay cocooned in my personal space with my loved ones. Where I feel safer and I can cry whenever I feel like it.

in the cabbage patch

Nights are the hardest to get through when you miss someone. 

During the day it's easier to cope because there's distractions and loved ones who keep me company. There's even moments of genuine laughter and peace. But then night time comes around and thoughts and memories are the loudest thing. 

Ever since the paramedics took my mom to the hospital I kept replaying in my head this incident of when I was about 5 or 6 years old and I was at Walmart with my parents and I got distracted and walked off to look at the Cabbage Patch Kids. Once I turned around again I couldn't see my parents anymore, and I looked for them but couldn't find them. One of the employees noticed me and came over to help me find them and while we walked I felt so scared and worried. We only had to walk around the corner and my parents were right there looking for me.The whole moment was just about 2 mins or so but it felt eternal to me. It's my earliest recollection of feeling lost. 

And that's how I've felt these days. Like I'm that 5 year old child again and I'm desperately looking for my mom, except this time there is no turning a corner and finding her. 

I don't mean to be depressing or bombard your timelines with sad thoughts but I'm a communicator, and I share things, and grief is what I have right now.

love letters in my dreams

I had this dream last night and in it I received a love letter. I can't remember it entirely but as soon as I woke I typed whatever I could remember. It read: 

 if you gave yourself to me and i could say your body belonged to me

then each night as you lay next to me

you'd make my wildest desires come to life beneath our sheets

and i'd embrace you, press your flesh against mine and you'd burn under my fingertips in the most ardent need 

each morning as you dress and gaze at yourself upon the mirror your eyes will meet mine

and you'll see yourself as i see you, you'll feel the way i hunger for you not as you seduce me and tempt me, but just as you exist when you think no one is watching 

That's all I remember. I think I'll try to complete the love letter later as I think of more lines that could go with it. 

I'm with her: aileen wuornos

 There's a new docu-series on Netflix titled Catching Killers and there's an episode on Aileen Wuornos. To this day it pisses me off whenever I watch the sentencing. She was sentenced to six death sentences. Now, don't get me wrong, she was a murderer and under no circumstances is premeditated murder ok. There has to be consequences for the crime, that I agree with. The part that upsets me every time is that Aileen was a victim throughout her life as well and no one advocated for her. There was no justice in her name as a child, the justice system failed her from a very young age. And once society creates this bitter, angry, and vengeful monster they point the finger at just her? I just think it's double sided. I think consecutive life sentences was the proper sentencing in this case. She was a broken individual and wasn't sane anymore. 

paris is always a good idea

 Just finished watching Sabrina, the 1995 remake with Julia Ormond and Harrison Ford. I've never watched the original with Humphrey Bogart and Audrey Hepburn, I imagine it's much more romantic. But then again, I've never been much of an Audrey Hepburn type. 

The 1995 film is alright, not a big deal or anything. I can tolerate Harrison Ford in it, and that's saying a lot, I hate Harrison Ford. The character he plays is pretty much what I picture him to be like in real life... "He is the world's only living heart donor... he thinks morals are paintings on walls and scruples are money in Russia." Oddly enough he is also the kind of person I always imagined I'd end up with. The bitter man who is so focused on money and work and then he meets me, the unearthly creature who bewilders him and holds him in awe. 

I love the heavy focus on France and romanticism. The romantic girl who views the world with rose colored glasses as she sits in a Cafe and writes in her stupid journal, who believes that after truly living and experiencing life that she has a deeper understanding of the world and herself but she's stupider than ever. 

And men are still liars but then they say something like... "I need her, and I don't need anything." And somehow, that one statement is true.

I suppose that's how I always wanted the love story of my life to be. I suppose deep down I still want it to be like that.