there's one that holds the light

I honestly can't stop crying.

I came across an article about suicide and as I was reading through the comments I read one from a man who said his wife committed suicide less than two weeks ago. His thoughts on the subject are that as painful as it is to lose your loved ones to suicide, that we should never feel anger or shame the person for deciding to end their lives. We are not given a choice on whether we want to be brought into this world. It just happens and we get what we get. And if someone finds living to be a burden, if existing causes them pain, then who are we to chain them to this world and force them to live a life they no longer want a part of?

I decided to go on his profile page and it was so heartbreaking. He has been very open about his mourning process.
He and his wife had a wonderful relationship, and two small boys. Earlier in the year he had gone through some rough days and he'd been feeling pretty low so she hung paper hearts from the living room and kitchen ceiling to remind him that he is loved. They always made little handmade gifts for each other and wrote love letters to one another.
One night she woke up from a nightmare she had in which he had left her so she wrote him a letter while he slept. And as he said, now he is the one living that nightmare and there's no waking up from it, and all he can do is write and write about all the love he has for her, and all the pain he feels.

This was a post she made on December 1st:

She committed suicide on December 11th:

My heart aches for this family. My heart aches for all the people who feel this overwhelming sadness and loneliness. My heart aches for the loved ones they leave behind.

I didn't know her but I know how dark it gets inside. And it's so painful, it takes everything in you, from you, to try and believe that there is hope and light still left in you.
When Sophia was a baby I remember going through some of my worst days, and I'd sit on the floor in front of her crib to watch her sleep, and I'd cry for hours, and I would pray over and over, 'Please make this feeling go away. I don't want to hurt anymore. Please give me the strength to make it through one more day.'
And then I'd ask for forgiveness because I felt so guilty. I thought I was the worst parent in the world because I shouldn't be so depressed and lonely when I had the most wonderful human being in front of me.
Those months the only thing that kept me going was the fear of what would happen to Sophia if I wasn't strong enough, if I left.
The only person I've ever talked to about this is Clair. One night I told her that Sophia saved my life. She's my whole world and I'd do anything for her.
But it took me years to want to stay alive for me, because I thought I was a worthy human being.

I'm so grateful for all I have, for all the love I feel and receive, and I thank God because I'm finally in a good place emotionally. I wouldn't miss out on watching Sophia grow for anything. I wouldn't miss out on the rest of my life for anything.

Rest in peace, Brandy.
My heart goes out to your family.